"You're so strong."
How many times have you heard those words? How many times have they felt less like a compliment and more like a prison sentence?
I used to wear my strength like armor.
But here's what no one tells you about being the "strong one": it's exhausting to never be allowed to fall apart.
Last week, I received an email from my friend Maria, a 58-year-old woman who had just lost her job after 20 years with the same company. "Everyone keeps telling me how well I'm handling it," she wrote. "But honestly? I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to throw things. Instead, I just keep saying 'I'm fine' because that's what strong women do, right?"
Wrong. That's what women conditioned to carry the world on their shoulders do. And it's time we gave ourselves permission to put that weight down.
The Myth of the Emotionless Strong Woman
Somewhere along the way, we learned that strength meant never showing vulnerability. That being "strong" meant swallowing our tears, minimizing our pain, and handling everything with grace and composure.
We learned that our emotions were inconveniences – for ourselves and others. That anger made us "difficult," sadness made us "weak," and fear made us "inadequate." So we learned to push through, tough it out, and keep going no matter what.
This conditioning often starts early. We were the ones who didn't cry when we fell off our bikes. We were praised for being "easy" children, "low-maintenance" teenagers, "independent" young women. We internalized the message that our worth was tied to how little trouble we caused others.
But after decades of this performance, many of us wake up at 50+ feeling like strangers to ourselves. We've become so good at managing everyone else's emotions that we've forgotten how to feel our own.
What Emotional Strength Actually Looks Like
Here's what I've learned after connecting with hundreds of women in midlife: real strength isn't the absence of emotions – it's the courage to feel them fully.
Emotional strength looks like:
Crying when something hurts instead of immediately jumping to "it could be worse" or "I should be grateful"
Getting angry when your boundaries are crossed instead of making excuses for why it's okay
Feeling afraid of a big change and moving forward anyway, rather than pretending you're not scared
Acknowledging disappointment when things don't go as planned instead of rushing to the silver lining
Expressing joy and excitement without immediately diminishing it or waiting for the other shoe to drop
This isn't about becoming an emotional mess. It's about becoming emotionally honest – with yourself first, then with others.
The Body Keeps the Score
Your body has been keeping track of all those unfelt feelings. The tension in your shoulders from years of carrying responsibility that wasn't yours. The knot in your stomach from swallowing words you needed to say. The exhaustion that no amount of sleep can cure because you're tired of pretending.
Dr. Bessel van der Kolk famously wrote that "the body keeps the score," and nowhere is this more evident than in women who have spent decades being "strong." Our bodies become museums of unfelt emotions, storing what our minds refuse to process.
This is why so many women experience unexplained physical symptoms in midlife – not because we're "falling apart," but because our bodies are finally demanding that we pay attention to what we've been avoiding.
The Practice of Emotional Archaeology
Remember the emotional archaeology I mentioned in my first post? This is where it begins – with giving yourself permission to excavate the feelings you've buried under decades of strength.
Start small. Begin noticing when you automatically respond with "I'm fine" and ask yourself: Am I really fine, or am I just performing fine?
Try this simple practice I call "The Daily Emotional Check-In":
Morning: Before you get out of bed, place your hand on your chest and ask: "What am I feeling right now?" Don't judge it, fix it, or analyze it. Just notice.
Midday: Set a phone reminder to pause and ask: "What emotion am I carrying in my body right now?" Is there tension? Lightness? Heaviness? Where do you feel it?
Evening: Before sleep, reflect: "What did I feel today that I didn't allow myself to fully experience?" This isn't about dwelling – it's about witnessing.
Permission Granted
I want to give you explicit permission for something radical: You're allowed to not be okay.
You're allowed to be sad about the career that didn't pan out the way you hoped.
You're allowed to be angry about the relationships where you gave more than you received.
You're allowed to be scared about starting over at this stage of life.
You're allowed to grieve the versions of yourself that you had to abandon to survive.
And here's the beautiful paradox: the moment you give yourself permission to not be okay, you create space to actually become okay.
From Performance to Presence
The most profound shift happens when you stop performing strength and start embodying it. When you move from managing your emotions to partnering with them.
I think of my friend Linda, a 62-year-old who spent her entire career as a nurse, caring for everyone but herself. Through our conversations, she learned to distinguish between caring for others and caring at the expense of herself.
"I thought being strong meant never needing anyone," she told me. "Now I realize it means knowing when to ask for help."
Six months after this realization, Linda made a decision that shocked her family: she took early retirement to become a massage therapist. Not because she had to, but because for the first time in decades, she was listening to what her body and heart were telling her.
Her family worried she was having a midlife crisis. She knew she was having a midlife awakening.
The Ripple Effect
When you give yourself permission to feel, something magical happens: you give others permission too.
Your authenticity becomes an invitation for others to drop their masks. Your vulnerability creates safe spaces for real connection. Your emotional honesty models what healthy strength actually looks like.
The women in your life who have also been performing strength suddenly have permission to rest. Your children learn that emotional intelligence is more valuable than emotional suppression. Your partners discover they can support you in ways they never knew you needed.
Your Emotional Liberation
This isn't about becoming more emotional – it's about becoming more human. It's about reclaiming the full spectrum of your experience instead of limiting yourself to the narrow band of "acceptable" feelings.
At 50+, you've earned the right to feel everything. The grief and the joy. The fear and the excitement. The anger and the love. You've survived enough to know that emotions don't kill you – but suppressing them might slowly erode who you really are.
Your emotions aren't obstacles to your strength – they're the raw materials of your wisdom.
So here's your homework: This week, catch yourself in one moment where you automatically respond with "I'm fine" and try something different. Try "I'm struggling but I'm working through it" or "I'm sad about this" or even just "I'm not sure how I'm doing right now."
Notice what happens. Notice how it feels in your body. Notice how others respond. Notice the relief of telling the truth.